I'm a baaaaaad liberal

So, today I completed a firearms training course that will allow me to obtain a conceal and carry permit. This means that I'll soon be able to legally carry a concealed handgun in Ohio as well as 25 other states. This wasn't something I'd been planning on doing for any length of time, it was more of a lark because I thought it'd be funny to have a concealed weapons permit to show my friends.

Initially, I expected the majority of the people in the class to be stereotypical government hating, racist hillbillys. It turns out I was totally wrong. The only bitter gun-clinger was the instructor, who was a massive tool. The class included doctors, lawyers, housewives, and one elderly woman who reminded me quite a bit of my grandma Mathis who passed away earlier this year. The only common factor uniting all of us was the understanding that firing a gun and successfully hitting a target 50 yards away is pretty damn awesome.

Prior to this afternoon I hadn't fired a gun in years and, to be honest, I forgot how much fun it is. I'm by no means a gun nut now and I have no interest in ever killing a living thing but blasting holes in a paper target with a .45 IS fun. It's satisfying on a visceral level akin to laying the hurt on someone who really deserves it.

Even though I took this course on a whim I'm still planning on actually getting my conceal and carry permit. I have no intention of ever actually carrying a loaded firearm on my person, but I paid for the course and passed so I might as well get it. At the very least it'll be a good conversation piece. Who knows, maybe I'll get a target pistol and make trips to the firing range a regular event...when I'm not out fighting crime as a vigilante.

In closing, here are some pearls of wisdom I picked up during my twelve hours of firearms training. Compliments of the crazy, right-wing instructor:

  • Barack Obama is going to take everyone's guns away and enslave the United States under his fascist iron fist.
  • If you ever go to Atlanta, Georgia you WILL be murdered.
  • Ditto for Dayton, Ohio
  • New England (except for New Hampshire), California, and New York City are actually enclaves of Communists.
  • Hallmark corporation are dirty liberals because they don't allow concealed weapons in their stores.
  • It's legal to openly carry firearms in Ohio.
  • If someone approaches your car and opens the door it's okay to assume they are going to carjack you and shoot them to death.
  • Only an idiot shoots to wound.
  • Sugarcreek Township police officers are incompetent bastards.
  • It's perfectly legal to carry a concealed, loaded handgun into a bank if they haven't posted a sign saying otherwise.
  • If they (or any other business) have it's okay to ignore the sign and take your gun in anyway. If you do this and someone finds out, they have no legal recourse against you even though it's technically illegal.
  • If someone breaks into your home you are with in your rights to shoot them to death even if they're running away from you. Just assume that your children are playing in whatever room they are running towards and that the intruder is going to murder them. If they are heading for the front door assume your children are outside.
  • If a dog bites you it's okay to shoot and kill that dog as well as any other dog in the vicinity because you can't be sure the other dogs aren't going to attack you too.
  • Black people are universally dangerous.
  • A pants pocket counts as a gun holster.
  • If someone assaults you using non-lethal force it's okay to respond with lethal force - if they're dead they can't testify against you.
  • Sales of handguns are up because a black man was elected president.

Shayne Mathis - Gun-clinging liberal


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