Fun times in the Shaynetatorship! (or, This is how you get an FBI file.)

I've wanted to be many things over the course of my life: A famous rock star, a famous comic book artist, a famous movie director, a famous author, a famous porn star (my stage name would have been Kirk Hammerin). Obviously none of those dreams have come to fruition yet. Still, I remain confident that one day I'll have a commemorative rock in my hometown of Camden Ohio, right along side (or in front of) Sherwood Anderson's.

If you know me, you know that I'm destined for's just a given. The only questions are when and how. And, to be honest, the when part isn't even that important. That just leaves "how"; how will I ascend to the throne of grandeur that is my birthright? Does the key to my destiny lie in my masterful grasp of the written word? Or is it my unique combination of scathing wit and freakish intelligence that will unlock the path to glory that has been foretold in the stars? The truth is, I just can't be sure. For all I know it could be my legendary sexual prowess that will earn me money, power and the adoration of the masses.

As I said earlier, I've always entertained the notion that one day I'll be adored the world over. But, as I've gotten older, my aspirations have grown. Now that I'm nearing thirty-one, dreams of being a celebrity or a world renowned master of cocksmanship pale in comparison to my current career goal - becoming SUPREME HIGHLORD OF THE UNIVERSE! I know, it's a lofty goal. But I'm currently working on a five (possibly ten) year plan for attaining this prestigious position. In my estimation one cannot simply proclaim himself Supreme Highlord Of The Universe and expect to be taken seriously. To that end I've decided to start out by becoming King Of The United States.

I thought about starting smaller: I could easily become King of Swaziland or Nova Scotia but why not start out in the big time? I mean, the United States is as big as it gets. We're God's chosen nation. The only reason he even created the rest of the world was so we'd have other countries to occupy with our military. (I know this is probably news to you but that's because you're only familiar with that glorified Commie screed known as the Bible. You should really consider listening to more AM talk radio; the Lord Speaks through Sean Hannity every weekday. Check your local listings for air times.)

In the interest of full disclosure let me say that I don't really know how I'm going to become King Of The United States. I'm looking at the big picture here, I'll leave the logistics to the flock of lackeys I plan on acquiring over the next year or so. The main thing you need to keep in mind is that one day I'm going to be running this country. And, although it will be with an iron fist, I assure you I'll be a fair and just ruler. I won't do anything crazy like instituting jus primae noctis...unless you're marrying Scarlett Johansson.

Since it's unavoidable that I'm going to be your sovereign leader one day, I think it's only fair that I lay out some changes I'll be making so you can be prepared. I need my future subjects on the same page as me so you don't get any nasty surprises come coronation day. Here is a brief list of some minor changes I will be making:

  1. The national anthem will be changed to "Warriors Of the World United" by American power metal band Manowar.
  2. ALL citizens will be provided health care through the government.
  3. No one works on Labor Day or their birthday. Christmas will be renamed Annual Present Day.
  4. Every citizen will have the opportunity to create one work of art and the funding for the work will come from the government. Financial support will be the limit of the governments involvement in said project.
  5. Creationism/Intelligent Design will be permanently restricted from being taught in public schools.
  6. Military conflicts will become a last resort in settling disputes between the United States and other nations. Whenever possible, disputes will be settled through a game of Risk, Chess or a paintball war.
  7. Interest rates on student loan payments will never be allowed to exceed 4%.
  8. All adults who work at least 40 hours a week are required to receive a living wage. The amount of the wage will vary by job but the base payment will be no less than $40,000 a year.
  9. Citizens will retain their right to bear arms but the ban on automatic weapons will be re-instituted.
  10. Prostitution and marijuana will be legalized but heavily regulated and taxed.
I know some of these things will cost many millions of dollars to accomplish, but fear not - I have a plan. The plan is fairly simple and it goes like this: We are going to take tons and tons of money from rich people and redistribute it back into society. We're not going to tax them at a higher rate however, we are going to institute salary caps for all jobs. Any earnings over and above that cap will be funneled into some sort of government account and used to better the lives of every person in the U.S. Also, any CEO etc. that is found to be defrauding their employees or otherwise ruining their lives will immediately have ALL of their assets liquidated and will be sent to prison for a long, long time. It's going to be a bad prison like the one in Oz too.

As I said before, in my Brave New World, military action will be a last resort. However, I do understand that sometimes war will happen. As such I will attempt to maintain a strong military and I will supplement our all-volunteer force by instituting a draft. Don't panic though, this draft will only effect certain groups or individuals. Examples include, but are not limited to, the adult children of any member of the government who votes for a military action, the entire Bush administration, many country music stars (Toby Keith for example), talk radio personalities Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, and Dane Cook...I hate that guy so much. These draftees will be on the front lines defending our freedom so YOUR children, who entered the military voluntarily, have less of a chance at being killed.

I know many of you may not agree with these changes. But, to all my haters, I say thee nay! If you don't like the changes I have in store for this country you can move. You're all going to be my loyal subjects eventually anyway. HA!

Warmest regards,

Supreme Highlord Shayne


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