An open letter to Ohio ( or, Even more reasons why we hate us)

Hey Ohio, 'sup? How have you been? I'm doing good myself. Just gettin' 'r done...know what I'm sayin'? Listen, I know things have been rough between us in the past, we've always had our differences. For example, I love faggoty indie rock and expensive beer while you think I'm just a faggot who loves expensive beer. Time and again I try and explain to you that I like vaginas as much as the next guy (unless the next guy is a gay). It's just that I don't think it's okay to punch the woman that surrounds the vagina whenever I've had one to many Coors Lights. You know what? Never mind...I don't want to turn this into a big cyber-scene. That's not why I asked you here.

Look, I know we have a love/hate relationship, but we've always been able to work things out. I'm still living here aren't I? Sure, I fantasize about living in other states when we're being tender with each other but I always come back to you. And, up until now, I've always been able to tolerate your folksy racism and prejudice against anybody non-white or who can read above an 8th grade level. But then I saw this on the news:

Really, Ohio? Is this how you want to present yourself to the rest of the world? Now I know embarrassing yourself in public hasn't bothered you in the past. Remember the time you insisted on wearing your Confederate flag t-shirt to Damon's: The Place For Ribs? I tried to tell you that Ohio didn't actually fight for the Confederacy but you just kept screaming, "THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!" How do you think that made me feel? And that was just in front of some morbidly obese trivia fanatics. What if the European Union wants to have us over for a dinner party one night? How am I going to face France and Italy after you expressed concern about, "a nigra runnin' fer presydent"?

I know what you're going to say. You're going to try and tell me your comments were taken out of context or that you were set up by, "them dirty A-rabs on the Al-Jezeera." I wish I could believe you Ohio, I really wish I could. The problem is, I know you really think this way. Maybe not all the time, but I've heard you make similar statements on numerous occasions. I don't know what to do Ohio; I'm at the end of my rope here. I used to be able to tell myself that you weren't so bad, that at least you weren't Texas or, God forbid, South Carolina. But, the truth is, I just can't stand you anymore. Not after that display at the Sara Palin rally. You're not the state I fell in tolerate with during that magical summer up on Brokeback.

Why am I telling you all of this now? I don't know. Maybe, somewhere deep inside, I think you'll change - that you'll see the error of your ways. Maybe I hope that we can one day join our progressive, if slightly effete, friends on the East and West coasts in their battle to guarantee homosexuals the right to marry animals and young boys. Most of all though, I'm telling you this for your own good. Because, if I hear you say one more insanely racist thing, I'm going to punch you in your dick and/or tits.

Yours in Flying Spaghetti Monster,



wes said…
may flying spaghetti monster bless america.
Shayne Mathis said…
The Flying Spaghetti Monster abides
Tim Mathis said…
As further evidence of the effete nature of liberal west coasters, on the evening that you posted this, Angel and I 1) ate a cold-noodle dinner at a hip japanese restaurant 2) went to the orchestra and 3) attended a transvestite review ('Trannyshack') in which a friend was performing. "Why we hate me."

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