There's creepy and then there's Craig from MySpace...

Sometimes when I'm bored I like to log into MySpace and randomly wade through the ocean of humanity that is the user base. Most of the time I'm looking for the biggest weirdos I can find so I can laugh at their unconventional interests and bad poetry. But, often times, finding the truly weird or creepy can prove difficult simply because of the massive number of MySpace accounts out there. After all, 90% of everyone on MySpace fits into one cookie-cutter stereotype or another - individuality is a delusion. Every mall goth writes whiny self-absorbed poetry and every frat boy has at least one picture of himself posing shirtless in a bathroom mirror. But don't get the idea that I'm excluding myself from this diatribe. I'm not one IN a million, rather, I'm one OF about 20 million. (Consequently, that's good news for any of you ladies looking for a endearingly sardonic hipster who listens to sensitive indie rock as well as the blackest of black metal, reads Nietzsche for fun, and owns an unconventional number of cats for his age and gender.) Don't believe me? Then log into MySpace and do a search for 25-35 year old men whose interests include: "Band of Horses", "On The Road", "Gorgoroth", and "Family Guy". I guarantee the results you get will be an approximation of this.

As of late I've become something of a professional at digging up weirdos, creeps, and miscreants... but it didn't always come so easy. When I first started I simply stumbled blindly through the morass of barely legal skanks, amateur rappers, frat dudes, and sexual predators that define the majority of MySpace users. Many nights were spent in front of my computer sifting through this wasteland of human debris. But then something magical happened: I started utilizing the Search function that had always been available to me but that I was too lazy to bother with previously. I discovered that all I had to do was type in "Magick" (make sure you spell it with a K to get the real freaks) or "Unicorns" or "Insane Clown Posse" and a whole spectrum of goons would immediately pop up. Instantly I was transported to an enchanted world filled with Live Action Role Players, conspiracy nuts, middle-aged Wiccans, and women that paint pictures of their pets wearing people cloths. I imagine I experienced many of the same emotions Jodie Foster's character from Contact must have felt as she traveled across the universe to an intergalactic space beach and spoke with a higher life form disguised as her Dad. (I know, I thought it was BS too. No face huggers or Predators at all. Her Dad didn't even have antennas or green skin!)

Since that day I've seen many wondrous sights and laughed at all types of social misfits. I discovered that internet lunatic Randy Constan has a MySpace page. You may have heard of him; he's a (sexually confused) adult male who likes to dress like Peter Pan. If you go to his page you can see all his different outfits and, if you messaged him, I'm sure he'd be happy to put on a one man play for you...while you're lying at the bottom of his basement pit rubbing lotion on your skin. Or there's You Complete Me, he's not as eccentric as Randy but his page will give you vertigo if you look at it too long. He's also dressed like The Joker in his profile picture and sort of looks like this girl I went to high school with. And I can't forget LittleKitty381, she's a swinger who dresses like a "wench" and has an odd fixation on pirates. Another colorful character I discovered was someone I like to call Scimitar Jesus. I call him that because he's dressed like Jesus and is holding a scimitar. According to his page he's an author but all his work appears in his blog and his homepage. That's good news for me because that means I'm also an author. Sometimes people say they like what I write so I'm going to one up him and say I'm an award winning author. Last but certainly not least we have Mickey. Up until last night he was my favorite find. If you haven't clicked on any other links you have to click on his. Seriously, do it NOW! Apparently Mickey really likes large women. I know that because he says it over and over again on his page. He also provides some good advice for satisfying large women sexually. To top it off he makes sure to let us all know that he drives, "a nice upper upper scale 1999 Oldsmobile 88 with sporty leather bucket seats." All of this is set to the sexy beat of George Michael's "Father Figure".

I never thought I would be able to top Mickey but I did last night. I was checking out this Japanese retro band called Thee 50's High Teens when I stumbled upon Craig. Craig's page says a lot about him as a person. It says he likes young-ish Asian women (little girls?), Douglas Adams books, and J-Pop. But more than anything his page says, "I'm going to rape you." Now, I don't know Craig personally and I'd like to keep it that way, but I'm willing to bet he drives a beat-up panel van with blacked out windows and door locks that have been welded down. I'm also fairly certain that the van contains an old soiled mattress in the back. Craig scares me. Craig is fear and fear is the mindkiller. Therefore Craig is the mindkiller.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to find a page to beat Craig's. I'm sure there's one out there somewhere, but do I really want to find it? Even now I can feel his icy gaze penetrating my soul, ripping it asunder. My only solace comes from knowing that I'm not a barely legal Asian teen. But what about you Ming Pei?

*Crash of thunder*





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