Welcome To My Nightmare

I've never really told many people this, maybe 3 or 4 people tops, but I frequently have nightmares. It's not that I'm ashamed or feel weird about it, it's just not a topic that comes up in conversation often. (I mean, if you really want to hear about the dream I had where I was getting chased by cobras I'll tell you.) The amount varies from week to week but the average is somewhere around 3 or 4 nights a week I have a bad one. The weird thing is, every time I have one I wake up with an erection that won't go away until I murder a prostitute. Okay, that's not true. The actual weird thing is that I only have them when I sleep on my back.

Maybe I shouldn't say "weird". It may be normal to have nightmares when one is sleeping on one's back. I wouldn't know because I didn't take the time to read this Wiki article on the subject. If you're really interested you can read it and then tell me about it. At any rate, I have nightmares whenever I sleep on my back. Sometimes I'm falling, sometimes I'm being attacked and, on mercifully rare occasions, I'm James Brolin on he and Babs' honeymoon night!

The most recent nightmare I've had was actually last night and it was totally effed up. I don't remember the whole thing but I still remember the money shot vividly. The gist of it was this: I was staying overnight at my parents' house and I wasn't allowed to sleep in my old bedroom. Instead they informed me that I would be sleeping in their basement. (If you've seen my parents' basement you know it's scary enough as is; they have about 30 cats that all stay down there in the winter.) In the dream the basement was a fairly accurate representation of reality, the ground was filthy and there was cat crap all over the place. To top it off I was given only a sleeping bag and pillow to protect me from the feces.

Now here comes the good part. I went to bed for the night and that was that. The dream picked up the next morning with me waking up to find I was covered in GIANT FREAKING CENTIPEDES!!!

The nasty little bugs were crawling all over me and, as if that weren't bad enough, some of them had dug there filthy little bug legs into my flesh! I remember sitting up and ripping them off me, screaming in terror. I swear to you that I can still feel how panicked I was and what it felt like to rip their legs out of my skin. At some point Mom and Dad came down to the basement and I began screaming at them about being covered in bugs. Their reply? "So, what's the big deal? The cats do fine down here."

At that point I woke up, still panicked and still grabbing at invisible bugs. It only took a moment to realize how stupid I must look to my cats and then I calmed down. I don't get freaked out easily but that damn nightmare got to me. I spent all day swatting at my legs and arms because I thought I felt things crawling on me. I felt like I normally do when I forget to do a speedball in the morning! Jokes about drug abuse aside, I still have the heebie-jeebies. I couldn't even bring myself to soak in my bathtub leech farm tonight!

And on that note I'm going to conclude this blog. I'm pretty tired so I think I'm going to go to bed and not fall asleep on my back again. Pleasant dreams all. Try and make sure you don't think about bugs while you're going to bed tonight. Leeches, leeches, leeches, spiders, bugs, snakes, Barbara Streisand's vagina. Haha, suckers!


Auggie's Mom said…
Call me crazy..but if you have identified the root cause of the problem..wouldn't you just opt to sleep on yer belly?

I think part of the problem is your obsession with horror movies..?? Any thoughts?
Shayne Mathis said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shayne Mathis said…
Even if I fall asleep on my stomach/sides but roll over in the night the same thing seems to happen. There have been nights when I know I go to sleep on my stomach but wake up on my back.

I don't know how much of an impact watching tons and tons of horror movies has on my dreams. It could be the direct cause or have nothing to do with it. I guess I could stop watching them and find out but I'd feel like I was abandoning my babies.

Auggie says, "Meow" by the way.
Tim Mathis said…
That's a weird dream. I would guess that the root cause is actually the cats in the parents' basement. And the centipedes.

Probably you should try an exorcism. In a few years I think I'll actually be able to perform those. As a minister in the Universal Life Church, right now I can perform them legally, but they don't really stick. Once I've got a collar though it's by by Emily Rose.

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