I beg to differ sir. I'm pretty sure Emilio Estevez was not in "Red Dawn"

Well, tonight I WAS planning on going to a little indie theater over by OSU to watch Battle Royale which, if you've never seen it, is awesome. I find myself running short on time however and I don't think I'll be able to make it. I suppose missing it isn't that big of a deal; I've seen it before and I'd have to drive across town at 11 PM to watch it by myself. The theater was probably going to be full of fat nerdy otaku anyway and I can do without that.

When it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to make the start time I decided I better just stay in and work on getting some things done around the house. In order to accomplish these goals I found that I was going to need some Krazy Glue, epoxy putty and an X-Acto knife. To make a long story short I drove around for two hours looking for these things and wound up returning home with the Krazy Glue, a pound of hamburger (extra lean) and Poltergeist and Red Dawn on DVD.

When I left my apartment I had every intention of only getting the glue, putty, and X-Acto knife. But, much to my chagrin, every store that would potentially sell these three things closes at 8 PM on Saturdays. I finally found myself at Wal-Mart and, of course, all they had was the Krazy Glue. Frustrated and out of stores to check I decided to juts go ahead and get the glue - the other items could wait until tomorrow. So I grabbed the glue and headed to the front of the store to check out. When I got to the front of the store the lines for the registers were all at least six people long and there were only four registers open. I guess I should have expected as much. Aside from incompetent employees the only other thing you can always expect from Wal-Mart is too few open registers during peak business hours.

Rather than wait in a long line (which I hate almost as much as Sean Hannity) I decided to browse around the store for a while until the lines died down. In retrospect I probably should have just waited in line because when I "just browse" I usually wind up making impulse purchases. Tonight proved to be no exception.

I started my browsing in electronics where I perused all the fancy HD tvs I'll never be able to afford. When I got sick of that I made my way over to the $5 DVD display which, of course, was over-run by pro-wrestling fans, their screaming children and Mexicans. I've had a pretty short fuse the last several days because I haven't been smoking and I found myself getting increasingly agitated with the unwashed masses gathered around the cheap DVDs. All I really wanted to do was check out the special features on the Joe Dirt disc but Cooter, Jolene and their little kid, let's call him "Couldn't Afford An Abortion," kept getting in my way.

Frustrated, I decided to move over to the $9 DVD rack - the upper middle class neighborhood of DVD sections. Now I wasn't intending to actually buy anything but a little voice inside my head kept saying, "Come on Shayne, do you really WANT to stand in that big long line just to buy one tiny tube of Krazy Glue?" At first I fought it but it's persistence won out. If I couldn't waste money on cigarettes I was damn sure going to waste it on something else. At first I was going to get The Protector but of course they were sold out. Then I noticed they had the special edition of Red Dawn for $9 and it was settled. Call me sentimental but I'll always have a place in my heart for this movie. I don't know if it's the Reagan-era anti-Commie propaganda or the sub-Brat Pack cast but I love Red Dawn. I snatched it up quickly and then arbitrarily decided to get Poltergeist as well.

At this point I had built up a powerful hunger and remembered I had Manwich sauce at home but no hamburger. Being that I fancy myself a burly man's man I felt that I would be doing myself a disservice by not fixing a delicious pan full of hamburger and bland tasting BBQ sauce. So off to the food department I went to score some delicious steroid laced Wal-Mart beef.

At this point I was pretty much fed up with Wal-Mart and their damn smiley face logos and I decided it was time to make my escape. I found the shortest line (only 5 people in it!) and claimed my lot, much like early settlers in the West must have done. I placed all my items out on the belt and waited patiently for the cashier to get to me. After about a minute the guy standing behind me noticed I was buying Red Dawn and said, "Man, Red Dawn, I haven't seen that movie in years."

Being an anti-social douche I tried to blow him off and just said, "Yeah, it's pretty cool." This wasn't enough though. He proceeded to tell me how awesome it was and how unlikely it would be for Russians to actually invade the mid-West.

"It's not like Pearl Harbor man. We have radar and shit. You couldn't just parachute into America without being noticed" he said grinning at his proficiency for identifying glaring plot holes in films.

He was right of course. A Russian invasion of America is pretty unlikely, even during the dark ages of the 1980s. But still, I'm not going to let something like "reality" stand in the way of me enjoying a perfectly good action movie. My sensibilities had been offended and I had to respond to his allegations of "unrealism." (Is that a word?)

"Well, the Soviets WERE a formidable adversary during The Cold War. It's true that they couldn't get a Hind-D attack chopper over the border let alone an entire army but that doesn't mean the Red Menace wasn't an ever present threat to national security. I think Red Dawn really just served as a mouth piece for what a lot of Americas feared in the 80s...all out war."

I actually said that to him too. I wasn't serious of course but I was pretty sure he wasn't going to pick up on my sarcasm at this point in our "conversation." After I had finished my abridged treatise on Red Dawn and Cold War era paranoia I expected him to just pipe down but he didn't. Instead he began telling me how great Emilio Estevez was in the movie. I told him that E Money (that's what I call him) wasn't in Red Dawn but his brother Charlie Sheen was.

"No way, I'm pretty sure they were both in it," he said.

"No, I'm sure E Dog wasn't in Red Dawn. See, he's not even listed here in the credits," I said pointing to my soon-to-be-purchased DVD. "You must be thinking of Young Guns. They were both in that."

"Aw shit you're right. That's what I was thinking of. That movie was good too. I like the part were Charlie Sheen gets shot by that dude in the shitter."

I agreed with him that Young Guns was also a bitchin' movie and left it at that. By this time my turn at the register had arrived and I quickly paid the employee and left. I don't know what happened to the guy behind me in line and I probably never will. Maybe he'll return home and regail his wife with tails of "this dude at Wal-Mart who was buying Red Dawn. You know, that movie with Emilio Estevez and that Jewy looking bitch from Dirty Dancing." Or maybe he'll just masturbate to internet porn and fall asleep. I just don't know - life is full of uncertainty. The only thing I DO know is that Manwich is good and now I really want to watch Red Dawn.

Peace out yo,



Anonymous said…
i wish tim had written this.
Anonymous said…
Why so?
Anonymous said…

You seem to be either fiercely loyal to Tim, or completely opposed to his brother posting on here. A reason?
Anonymous said…
Oh, it's totally fierce loyalty to me.
Anonymous said…
Dear Anon,

I'm fiercely loyal to Tim, though not sure why. I do, however, enjoy Shayne's blabbering, and am glad he's on board. The thought of Tim shopping at walmart and eating hamburger sourced from the lowest common denominator tickles me, though. You see, because, well, I dont think Tim would like to shop at walmart, and I'm pretty sure he doesnt want to eat hamburger and...uh, well...you wouldnt understand, I guess. Though, I'm sure Tim would argue with a stranger about the philosophy of Red Dawn and its implications on U.S. foreign policy. Which would ultimately lead into a conversation about liberation theology and the ethics behind eating tofu. Or something like that. Maybe that's a bit much for the check-out line at walmart.