Let's hear it for the gays!!

Autumn is here in Seattle, which means that the rain is returning, which means that there's a nihilistic storm brewing inside my head every day at Specialty Bottle. But lets not talk about that! An old college friend and my blog's only frequent commenter recently made some of the gayest friends ever! To celebrate, here's a list of some of the advantages of being a heterosexual male with gay friends, divined from my own experiences living in Seattle's gay center, Capitol Hill!

1. You can adopt a self-righteous attitude towards anyone without gay friends. They obviously must not be nearly as comfortable with their sexuality as you!

2. People will know that you're not one of those homophobic fools who is constantly worried that gay guys might be checking them out. In fact, (people will think) maybe you believe that your gay friends do check you out, and flatter yourself with the thought! Further, maybe you even get a bit jealous when your gay friends check out other guys in your presence! How progressive!

3. You can finally let out your feminine side with the guys and not feel self-conscious about it. So what if I like Patsy Cline and cute little puppies?!

4. Gay men seem to surround themselves with beautiful women, who in turn will think that you, their straight friend, are uncommonly sensitive.

5. Who hasn't wanted an inside view of the seedy gay subculture?! You know that you're at least a little bit curious about what happens on a bus full of transvestites, and who doesn't want inside tips on which color pocket bandana not to wear to a gay bar?

6. Go out with a few gay people and everyone will know you're with-it. Homophobia was so Eighties!

7. Gay men in your neighborhood are great for your property value--they're clean, quiet, neat and friendly!

8. It gives your female companion the opportunity to develop safe male friendships. You may worry a bit if one of them is going to try something on you at a party, but you can at least be sure that he won't slip anything in your wife/girlfriend's drink!

9. Gay people are funny! (Being so progressive, I of course mean that in a positive way--like, you know, I appreciate David Sedaris' hilarity. Not like I think you should laugh at the kid who throws like a girl in gym class.)

10. One word: Fashion. If we've learned one thing in the years after 9/11, it's that every straight guy needs the queer eye treatment!

11. You can use funny words like "queer-bait" and "fag-hag" ironically, and most people won't think you're a bigot! (I admit I do this with a bit of trepidation. I don't want my humor to be like a hetero equivalent of Michael Rappaport's racial humor or anything).

12. Who else are you going to dance to Madonna with?

13. Finally, and most importantly, you can take pride that you no longer are "the oppressor"!

I'd love to hear some advantages that you, my readers, derive from your gay friendships!

Comments

go west said…
one of the advantages is my new "in" to the arts community. i even helped him with an idea for one of his projects, and i'm sure i'll be invited to the show where a contemptuous amount of hot artsy chicks will be parading. i met his boyfriend last night at a wine tasting, called him a dipshit..and got away with it. and i do feel oh sooo progressive.
Sal said…
hmm well I've found if I call a lesbian friend 'darlin' or 'hon' or some equally cheesy word that I'd use to address a regular chick-friend-thing, then their partner gets all mad that I'm coming onto their 'girl', and that, is just weird. And a con.
As for pros... I can comfortably drop my bottom lip and glare, and thereafter mock, when my boss openly declares that a man sleeping with another man is akin to a man sleeping with an animal, "there's no difference". Any fodder for boss-mockery is surely useful.
Erm, and finally, I particularly love that I can sing a whole set of Cher songs with some of my gay friends. None of my straight friends are any good at this activity.
"Who hasn't wanted an inside view of the seedy gay subculture?!"

Oh, thats me!
Tim Mathis said…
Well, Blaire, I didn't want to say anything, but yes, you, Father Bottom and the crew of "Fairies on a Ferry".
J.R. Lander said…
And... I must say, it is nice to have straight friends on capitol hill to keep entertained!

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